Wounds, part 1

It has been much too long since my last post.  I'm not going to attempt to make up for that gap in time and space other than to acknowledge it and ask that you be patient with me.  I have been in a season of intense hurts ranging from the physical to the emotional, and God has been walking through these things with me. I often wish I was the type of person who could blog in the midst of those things, but I am generally not.  This post is a portion of my musings from the past month or so.  May it encourage and challenge you.

Anyone who has talked with missionaries knows that health concerns are one of the greatest fears/concerns that we have.  Here in Mpanda we are 2 days (or one 12-14 hour day!) drive away from Mbeya, the nearest town where we could get decent medical care.  Perhaps I should define my terms, since you don't live here and don't know what I mean.  In Mpanda, we have clinics and we have a hospital.  I would never plan to go to the hospital here.  There are tons of sick (and very contagious) people everywhere, and I would never subject myself voluntarily to that type of situation if I could at all avoid it.  I've been in a Tanzanian hospital before (in Mwanza) to see a particular doctor, and the experience gave me nightmares and panic attacks.  The doctor (from the US) was great, but seeing horribly wounded people wheeled through the waiting room on stretchers uncovered or barely covered... it was too much for my overprotected western eyes.  So that's how I feel about hospitals.  Clinics are generally better, but depending on the setup can be a similar situation.  Also, there is no guarantee you won't wait for hours and still not see the doctor.  We are thankful here in Mpanda to have a couple clinics, one of which (TMC Dispensary) is rarely busy.  But for anything requiring quality testing, ultrasound, extensive blood work, or other more complex treatment, we need to go to Mbeya.  And they can't treat everything in Mbeya, so from there we'd go to one of the bigger cities-- either Dar es Salaam or Nairobi.  Obviously if there is an emergency, we are able to get a medical evacuation by plane, but the situation and outlook need to be very severe before that is a viable option. 

I've had a number of health issues in the past few years, most of which have been treated or I am still undergoing treatment from a distance.  Nothing that I have is life-threatening in the sense that I can't be living out here doing the work we've been called to do. 

On April 2, I had an accident.  We had gotten home from the office and it had just started raining, and I was headed to open the gate so Tim could pull the car into the compound when I slipped on some wet tiles.  I fell.  Hard.  My right leg went forward and scraped and bruised the back of my calf.  The other leg went backward and my big toe struck a rock with great force, causing a deep gash in the skin and pain in my toenail.  I must have put my hands out to catch myself, twisting in the process.  I thought I was broken.  When I realized that I was hurt but nothing seemed broken, I picked myself up and continued on (with my sore leg and gashed toe) to open the gate.  I would need Tim's help getting cleaned up. 

I did get cleaned up.  I was able to get my cut (a deep cut on the end of my toe) cleaned and dressed.  I also noticed bruising under my toenail and bruising on my calf.  It wasn't going to be easy, but all in all I felt ok.  Sore, sure, but ok.  I didn't need to be flown out. 

Then the next morning came.  I woke up with the most AWFUL pain in my neck, back, and down my left arm.  It was nerve pain-- a type of searing, stabbing pain that I am all too familiar with!  I had nerve pain for about 6 weeks in late 2009.  I wanted to die then, and I wanted to die now.  There is no end to it, no matter how much ibuprofen or aleve you take!  Granted those things can help sort out muscle spasms and tension, but not the nerve pain.  Nothing cuts the nerve pain.  I had two straight weeks of intense pain.  I couldn't sleep more than an hour at a time, and it hurt to lay down or lay still.  I spent a lot of time talking to God and wrestling with Him over a few things I had been thinking about. 

The nerve pain is not gone, but it has been reduced.  I was able to talk with a physiotherapist friend from Canada who walked me through some stretches over the phone.  I also talked by email with a D.O. friend from the US who helped me sort through some of the medications and muscle stretches (in addition to the ones from the physiotherapist).  Between past experience, internet research, and my expert-friends' opinions, we figured that I had at least two vertebrae in my lower neck or upper back that were twisted, which was pinching those nerves.  So I stretched.  And waited.  And ate healthy food/snacks.  And waited.  Eventually (now) I'm able to sleep a bit more and the pain is more of a dull throbbing instead of a stabbing.  By God's grace I will beat this thing. 

And if that weren't enough.... about 12 days into all this neck/back pain mess I started having pain in my knee.  Who knows where it came from or why, but I got my very first boil.  And like any sickness/illness/injury, I went all out and got a big collection of them.  I think technically it's a carbuncle, though it's still treated the same as if it were a singular boil.  I started out treating it at home with warm compresses (experimenting with salt water, garlic, and baking soda at various times), but I knew right away that I was out of my league.  It was growing.  It was becoming massive.  And I needed help.  So we went to the local TMC Dispensary (clinic).  They started me on antibiotics and said to come back the next day so they could squeeze it.  Uh oh.  That doesn't sound good.  It hurt to walk or accidentally bump it, I couldn't imagine having it squeezed ON PURPOSE!  Plus, everything I had read warned that squeezing the boil could cause the infection to spread.  Yet, I knew that in putting myself under this doctor's care that I might not 100% agree with the treatment plan either because of the meds or the approach.  But I prayed for wisdom and felt that God had led me here, so I would follow the dr's instructions.  I went back that next day and he saw me right away.  He confirmed that it was indeed a boil (at least 3, actually), and he used both hands to squeeze that thing from the base until a thick, nasty brownish-yellowish-reddish pus drained out of it.  It hurt like nothing I've ever felt before.  Nothing.  And I've been through childbirth and a painful, 28 hour labor when I had Micaiah.  And I think this might have been worse.  Maybe it was because it was unexpected, maybe because I was feeling overwhelmed from all the pain in both my neck/back and now my knee... whatever the case, it hurt like crazy! 

The next day I had to go back so he could drain it again.  I was having anxiety attacks that morning out of sheer fear of the pain I knew was coming.  But what other choice did I have?  So I went back, wore my bravest face, and let the doctor squeeze my boil.  And squeeze he did!  He got a ridiculous amount of pus and fluid that second day of squeezing!  I couldn't believe it!  And that was the point where my leg started to feel better.  The core of the boil was about 6cm by 3cm at its largest, and the redness area wrapped all the way around to the sides of my leg.  I'm guessing the redness area was something like 24cm from left to right and 16cm from top to bottom, all centered around the boil, which was a few cm below my kneecap.  Yes, I definitely think that was the midway point, and I'm praying that from here on out it is falling action. :)

I went one more day when they squeezed it again, and that brings us to today.  When we went in today the doctor was able to dislodge what he called the "tissue plug".... gross.  It's this big yellowish blob that looks like an overgrown booger.  It came out of the boil, leaving a big crater in its wake.  Well, I should clarify that about 75% of the tissue plug came out.  The rest is still in there just hanging out.  But from what I understand, that will dissipate and drain out as the skin heals and the wound starts to close.  But for now I have a big crater on my knee that continues to ooze!  Reminds me of when we went to Ngorongoro Crater here in Tanzania... well, except the oozing.  I will have a scar.  And it will be large.

I've been thinking a lot about wounds.  The ones we carry in our bodies and the ones we carry in our hearts.  Dealing with all these health issues has led me to ask God some very difficult questions.  I've read through Job.  I've read through Habakkuk.  I've considered Jeremiah and many of the other prophets... why doesn't God protect His people?  Why are sickness, illness, disease, and injury allowed to happen and to affect His people?  Is it the enemy's work?  Is it spiritual warfare?  Is it my sin?  Is it something I've done to offend Him?  I've wrestled with these questions and more.  I got a few answers (or pseudo-answers), and a lot more questions.  I was comforted by the words in the "Streams in the Desert" devotional (by LB Cowman).  I was challenged and comforted and sometimes angered by what I read in the Scriptures.... who is this God I say I love and how will my understanding of Him change through all of this? 

Wounds.  They go deep.  They ooze crazy pus.  And there is only one Healer.  I don't know why He does what He does, but I know that He is good.  And I trust that even on the days I don't understand, that I will someday see and understand.  I just pray that my faith is strong enough to get through the now and to not lose hope. 

Oh, and a heads up -- I plan to post pictures of my boil in my next post, so if you are not one with a strong stomach, I'd recommend you avoid that one like the plague.... hehe. 

-JLR