On Second Thought...

Joy is not working out for me today. The aftermath of all that's happened in the past week has been more than I can bear emotionally and I'm completely broken. I'm struggling with panic, fear, and stress that doesn't seem to go away no matter how hard I pray, breathe, or talk things through! I suppose it's normal to have good days and bad days, but sheesh.

Yesterday we heard a really good sermon on undeserved grace. I know the point was probably for us to realize how much we need God's grace, but instead God drove home the point that I need to forgive the person or people who broke into our home. I've been shown so much grace and God has loved me since before I did anything good... shouldn't I be an agent of that grace to others? Even if they aren't deserving? (who is deserving, anyway?)
"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved. --Ephesians 2:4
I made a first step toward forgiveness, but I know that it's probably not as simple as saying "I forgive them" once. I expect that it will come up over and over as I realize just how much I'm actually forgiving them for.

Am I alone? Has anyone out there had to forgive someone for something that seemed unforgivable or for something that was still producing negative effects? I'd love to hear some other thoughts on this.

-JLR

The New Year

2011 has not gotten off to a very good start for us. We were traveling over the holidays and got to see our families in Missouri. The trip was good-- much better than we were expecting, to be honest. But like any trip, we were exhausted and anxious to get back to our home here in BC.

When we arrived at our house here in BC on Jan 5, we soon realized that there had been a break-in over the holidays. So while we were looking forward to unwinding, unpacking, and sleeping, our first afternoon/evening back in Canada took a very unexpected turn. We dealt with police reports, visits from our landlord and locksmith, and the start of the very long process of changing personal information that was stolen. We were discouraged to say the least.

We were finally making some headway with getting our house back in order yesterday when we noticed a foul odor in the house. We couldn't pinpoint it, but it seemed to be near the vents. We called the gas company and were advised to leave the house until it could be checked. After more than an hour of waiting in our car (parked on the street) after Micaiah should have been in bed, we were finally cleared to return to the house. While there was no major leak, they said the fan on our furnace had burnt out, causing the smell to be distributed through the vents when the furnace would try to heat the house. They turned our furnace off. They also noticed a small leak on our gas line to our fireplace, so the gas had to be shut off. We were so tired but managed to borrow some electric space heaters and did a family camp out in the living room. Funny, but that's been one of my highlights from this past week-- Micaiah loved the idea of moving the mattresses into the living room and all snuggling in together!

It is so amazing to see what a positive attitude can do in a situation like this. Here I am all discouraged, tired, and in tears and my 5 year old is praising God and just giggly over the fun she gets to have! Tim, too, has been reminding me that complaining does nothing to actually change the situation. Well, nothing but discourage others! So as we've been reading Scriptures on complaining, worries, anxiety, fear, etc., we've decided as a family that we're going to choose joy. Especially when it isn't easy! Because that's when it truly does transform you.

So maybe my past week hasn't been what I would have chosen, but I still have a Good God who loves us and takes care of us. But maybe it's easier to say that when my daughter is screaming "O happy day!" at the top of her lungs. :) Thanks, God, for the many blessings you give me each and every day. And thank you that your grace is enough to get me through the trials we face each day as well.

-JLR

12 Days of Christmas

We've been watching the calendar this year in expectation for returning to Missouri for the holidays. When I checked the calendar today, I noticed that today is Dec 14-- 12 Days from Christmas (counting today through the 25th)!

Well, I never have been sure whether the 12 Days of Christmas was before or after Christmas. After a quick Wikipedia search, I found that traditionally it goes from Christmas or Boxing Day to Jan 6 (Epiphany). But since I was already thinking of the songs, I thought I'd post about it anyway. My all-time favorite version of this song is the one with Mickey, Donald and the whole crew... ah good memories from my childhood! I also loved the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas album (a real record!) that we used to put on the record player as we wrapped presents in the warmth of the fireplace in the basement. Good times.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
12 drummers drumming
11 pipers piping
10 lords-a-leaping
9 ladies dancing
8 maids-a-milking
7 swans-a-swimming
6 geese-a-laying
5 golden rings!
4 calling birds
3 french hens
2 turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!

-JLR

Neck Pain part 2

The pain described in my last post has not gone away. Today is day 18 of my pain and despite my desperate prayers for relief this morning (I was thinking, "wouldn't it be great if God gave me HEALING for my birthday this year??"), I'm still in pain. The pain has definitely diminished. I've been doing physiotherapy and every day I do most of those exercises at home (the ones that don't require equipment). My back is getting stronger, for sure, but I'm still not out of the woods.

The biggest problem for me is the persistent, nagging pain. I can handle pain for a while, but long-term pain has been a real challenge. I wish I could say that I've stood firm(ly?), but the truth is that some days I'm hardly standing at all. Or I'm standing without the victory of a positive, hope-filled attitude. I've been almost afraid to blog about it because I'm never sure if my real feelings-- the raw truth-- will come out and everyone will know what a bad Christian/Missionary I really am. But maybe that's not an entirely bad thing.

A friend sent me a sermon a couple weeks back and I've listened to it several times now. It combines prayer (particularly the "give us this day our daily bread" concept) and the verses I've been meditating on from Isaiah (see below). Which of these three do you think is most impressive?

1. soar on wings like eagles
2. run and not grow weary
3. walk and not be faint (not fall over)

The point this pastor made was that the real miracle in these verses and the climax of the passage in the Hebrew poetry is #3. Taking one step at a time without falling over is the real goal of trusting and hoping in the Lord. I'm there. Well, I hope I'm there anyway. I don't feel like I'm getting very far-- and I'm definitely not soaring or running!-- but each day I get up and don't completely curse God for this pain and these trials, I guess I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It still doesn't feel like a miracle.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40: 28-31

-JLR

What a Pain in the Neck

This week I've been dealing with a whole host of issues in my neck and upper back.

1. Pinched nerve. Man oh man, do these hurt!
2. Two vertebrae (C7 and L3) that weren't "moving," which led to..
3. Muscle spasms and knots
4. My 2nd rib out of place
5. Not being able to sleep for more than 1.5-2 hours at a time and using Aleve as a crutch 24 hours a day (I'm not a big fan of painkillers, so this is big).

I like to think that I have a high threshold of pain, but I don't know that I can boast of that any longer. I was comparing it to childbirth pain only worse, because I didn't know when/if it would ever end!

I am so thankful for my friend and her husband. They have been real agents of healing and change in my life anyway, and now Dave (who's a physiotherapist) has given me two treatments to help deal with all of the above.

I know that my love for God should never be conditional upon my circumstances, but sometimes when God moves, I can't help but say thanks. God has provided healing (we'll see how I'm doing in the morning!). God has provided people who care. God has provided a couple who are helping me get the physical and emotional healing I need so that we can return to doing what He's called us to do in Tanzania. God has been so present and almost tangible as He pours out His love... so I think what started out being the biggest pain in my neck this week (literally and figuratively) is now my biggest cause for praise.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40: 28-31

-JLR